I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
