I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
