please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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