So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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