Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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