What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
