Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
