just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
