I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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