well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
