It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I checked into jail on foursquare
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
