Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize