I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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