You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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