Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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