i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize