Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Panties = found
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
