I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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