The maid of honor just puked.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
