Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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