i need an iv and a liver transplant
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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