Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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