I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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