I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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