I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
