matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
