Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I should be sponsored by Trojan
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
