He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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