Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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