Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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