I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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