Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
