We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
