i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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