she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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