i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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