I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
