I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
