I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize