So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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