I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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