I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Let's get the cat blown out
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
