So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
