my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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