broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
