Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
