I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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