How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
