i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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