Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
