Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
