im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
two words: eviction party
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
