I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
