no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize