he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
