it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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