you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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