hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
