he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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